I LOVE YOU TOO!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
When are you coming to visit again? You just left a few days ago, but I miss you already. :P Can't wait to see you again, baby!
:P Soon.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
been having it rough lately. mabey me and you should get together and make some music :P
Oh really now? lol
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Life
Well tomorrow is Samie - Shelia time. Woohoo. I am also helping my Mom and Aunt with there knew daycare so when I am home and not at Justins I go there and help. Right now I am just keeping them organized. Other than at, Life is boring :P
want to make out? lol
Oh yes! :P Actually I don't even know who this is so how would I know if I wanted to make out with you?
Do you love me?
Hmmm..... If I knew who you were I would answer. But until that information is given there is no comment.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Home
So I am home for a little while. Since I mainly stay at Justins. Makes it easier on my family with being in a tight financial bind right now. Nothing new has happened to me at ALL recently. My life has become even more boring as it seems.
If you had to choose 3 of your most favorite moments from ITA, what would they be?
There is no way in HELL I can choose only 3! Every day there was the best days of my life :) I miss you guys so much!
Monday, March 15, 2010
12 stones - lie to me
Our candle burns away
The ashes full of lies
I gave my soul to you
You cut me from behind
Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
You're scared of the truth, I'm tired of the lies
Cuz who I am, is where you wanna be
Don't act like an angel
You fallen again
You're no super hero
I found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end...
You said you were there for me
You wouldn't let me fall
All the times I shared with you
Were you even there at all?
Nowhere to run and no where to hide
You're scared of the truth, I'm tired of the lies
Cuz who I am, is where you wanna be
Don't act like an angel
You fallen again
You're no super hero
I found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end
Why'd you have to up and run away
A million miles away
I wanna close my eyes and make believe
That I never found you
Just when I put my guard away
It's the same old story
You left me broken and betrayed
It's the same old story
Don't act like an angel
You fallen again
You're no super hero
I found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end...
Lie to me once again
It's the same old story
Lie to me once again
It's the same old story
Was it worth it in the end...
Car Accident.
So, was totally in a car accident lastnight. It fucking sucked!!! Oh well, Camaro got a dent, her truck got FUCKED up :P
Other news:
I have been on a thinking spree, only bad thing about the camper other than cold is a lot of thinking time which never leads to anything good.... ever.....
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Pussy Pumps?
Can anyone explain the meaning of these? Seriously! Why would anyone want swollen vagina lips and clit. Wouldn't that hurt? What happened to good 'ol fashion Vibrators? Why do they need to keep finding more things to shock me!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The untold story. Random Story I started writing.
I never truly understood the feeling of love, not until I laid in bed and placed my head on his chest. Hearing and feeling his heart beat, mine mimicking his beat to beat. Did he feel it to? Did he feel the connection, The feeling of something there you never felt with someone else? 1
I guess not, Now I lay here in the dark alone, the only beating my heart is doing is in sync with the ticking coming from the clock on the wall. Painful, hollow ticking, every beat hurting more than the last. The ticking of the second hand reminding me that it is another second I am without him. The worse reminder is that I know he is never coming back. Even though my mind says no, and my heart tells me yes, yes he is coming back. 2
My mind wanders in every direction without any control no matter how hard I keep trying I can't seem to turn it off. It is horrible how your own mind can betray you, bringing up everything you work so hard to ignore, to forget. Memories of the good times with him, things that keep you hooked, hooked like drug. The drug of my choice is pain, hurting myself over and over thinking about him. Letting it happen again and again even though I said it wouldn't. Thinking about the kisses, the gentle touches, things that seemed so normal and unimportant at the time. Now you think about how much they truly meant to you, and how you would do anything for just one last time of the feeling you got with him. 3
That is how is always goes doesn't it? The saying "You don't know what you got till it's gone" So true, so hurtful. With the good comes the bad, the memories of hurt, the things he did to you that caused you to rock back and forth and crying. Repeating to yourself that you wish it would all just go away, the things that went wrong that you could take back if you could. The feeling of loss, and abandonment becoming unbearable. 4
The things that fuel my nightmares, bringing denial to life. The nightmares that bring you up in a cold sweat, heavy breathing, and the tears spilling down your face. Wiping them away and feeling stupid for caring in the first place.5
I lay here I tell myself that tonight will be different. That I can wake up and not reach for him, only to realize he is not there. That the blanket you are holding isn't him like you thought in your dreams, and there is no one there to hold you and tell you everything will be alright. Though you know it will be alright.6
All you have left is the ghost of someone who is not there, and only used you as a game. Just a toy on the shelf that he got bored with and tossed aside. Left to collect dust, and wallow in all the fun and laughter I missed.7
Why must I always bring up everything back to him! Every story I tell starts with "That happened once with." Then I feel like shit after repeating his name, for the thousand time. Seeing the look on people faces knowing what is coming next. Why can't I forget his name, act as if he never existed. Just to lay here and act as if life is normal, for once put on a real smile for once. Not to have a fake once plastered on my face like makeup. Looking to each person repeating in my head "Believe me! Don't catch on to the lie." Though I can't even make myself believe it. Why god? What have I done to deserve such torture?"8
The clock ticks again, This time taking my breath away. I wonder to myself how long I have laying here, Burning a hole in the ceiling with my blank stare. I took over to the horrid clock that started all this, I wonder if I hadn't gotten the retched thing if I would have been asleep already. Focusing my eyes I look at the number and say aloud to myself "This can't be right! 6:30 AM!." If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then that means I have been laying here in a daze for five hours. Lost in thought, that only means another shade of purple that will be added beneath my eyes. I was a walking poster child for insomnia, the insomnia I never had till he came in my life, and left me broken. Oh well, what can I do? Not shit to be totally honest, so I say to myself out loud "Come on Rayvn, Suck it up and get on with your life."9
I let out a deep sigh and sit up and throw my legs over the side of the bed. Always getting up to find the light is a bitch. I put my feet to the floor and force myself to stand up. Dragging my feet and flailing my arms out so I don't fall and break my neck. Which lord knows I have almost done a few dozen times. 10
"Where the hell is the light switch!" I run into the dresser and stub my toe and let loose a long stream of curses. I really need to remember to move that today, All I need is another broken toe when going on my early morning adventures of finding the damn light switch, also good thought would be that stupid clap on system I am always seeing on infomercials. I finally run into the wall with a umph, here we go. Running my hand in circles on the wall looking for the retched thing. Tada! I flip the switch on and shout loudly "Oh shit!" as I was blinded my the sudden blast of bright light. Rubbing my eyes and wishing I could just wear sunglasses when I first wake up. 11
Also note to self; See doctor about sleeping medication. The home remedies my mother had taught me never seemed to help. Not with this type of issue.
Train Wreck
Here is a Poem I wrote called "Train wreck."
Day turns to night.
Night turns to day.
All days blur together now that you are gone.
You run through my mind like a run away train.
Every time I try and stop you...
There is only wreckage in the end.
I wake up with tears spilling down my face.
This empty hole that did not exist before.
You took everything when you left.
My heart skips a beat at the mention of your name.
The pain of loneliness clenches my chest.
Making breathing more unbearable.
The dreams awakening me reaching for you.
To only know the dream was true.
You really are gone.
Off with someone else.
Happy without me.
I wish I could say as much for myself.
Why are you the best dream I had?
Also the worst nightmare?
Always leaving me in the end.
Missing your face,
Your touch,
The way you made me feel.
This wreckage you left behind means nothing to you.
Just a pile of ash,
Ash that does nothing but stain.
Friends?
How could we be friends?
When in the end I was only a toy left forgotten when something newer came to your eye?
Just leave me,
Leave my memories,
Leave me to feel broken and clean up the pieces of me.
To mend my broken heart,
Is that to much to ask?
Will this train wreck never end?
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