The untold story. Random Story I started writing.

I never truly understood the feeling of love, not until I laid in bed and placed my head on his chest. Hearing and feeling his heart beat, mine mimicking his beat to beat. Did he feel it to? Did he feel the connection, The feeling of something there you never felt with someone else? 1

I guess not, Now I lay here in the dark alone, the only beating my heart is doing is in sync with the ticking coming from the clock on the wall. Painful, hollow ticking, every beat hurting more than the last. The ticking of the second hand reminding me that it is another second I am without him. The worse reminder is that I know he is never coming back. Even though my mind says no, and my heart tells me yes, yes he is coming back. 2

My mind wanders in every direction without any control no matter how hard I keep trying I can't seem to turn it off. It is horrible how your own mind can betray you, bringing up everything you work so hard to ignore, to forget. Memories of the good times with him, things that keep you hooked, hooked like drug. The drug of my choice is pain, hurting myself over and over thinking about him. Letting it happen again and again even though I said it wouldn't. Thinking about the kisses, the gentle touches, things that seemed so normal and unimportant at the time. Now you think about how much they truly meant to you, and how you would do anything for just one last time of the feeling you got with him. 3

That is how is always goes doesn't it? The saying "You don't know what you got till it's gone" So true, so hurtful. With the good comes the bad, the memories of hurt, the things he did to you that caused you to rock back and forth and crying. Repeating to yourself that you wish it would all just go away, the things that went wrong that you could take back if you could. The feeling of loss, and abandonment becoming unbearable. 4

The things that fuel my nightmares, bringing denial to life. The nightmares that bring you up in a cold sweat, heavy breathing, and the tears spilling down your face. Wiping them away and feeling stupid for caring in the first place.5

I lay here I tell myself that tonight will be different. That I can wake up and not reach for him, only to realize he is not there. That the blanket you are holding isn't him like you thought in your dreams, and there is no one there to hold you and tell you everything will be alright. Though you know it will be alright.6

All you have left is the ghost of someone who is not there, and only used you as a game. Just a toy on the shelf that he got bored with and tossed aside. Left to collect dust, and wallow in all the fun and laughter I missed.7

Why must I always bring up everything back to him! Every story I tell starts with "That happened once with." Then I feel like shit after repeating his name, for the thousand time. Seeing the look on people faces knowing what is coming next. Why can't I forget his name, act as if he never existed. Just to lay here and act as if life is normal, for once put on a real smile for once. Not to have a fake once plastered on my face like makeup. Looking to each person repeating in my head "Believe me! Don't catch on to the lie." Though I can't even make myself believe it. Why god? What have I done to deserve such torture?"8

The clock ticks again, This time taking my breath away. I wonder to myself how long I have laying here, Burning a hole in the ceiling with my blank stare. I took over to the horrid clock that started all this, I wonder if I hadn't gotten the retched thing if I would have been asleep already. Focusing my eyes I look at the number and say aloud to myself "This can't be right! 6:30 AM!." If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then that means I have been laying here in a daze for five hours. Lost in thought, that only means another shade of purple that will be added beneath my eyes. I was a walking poster child for insomnia, the insomnia I never had till he came in my life, and left me broken. Oh well, what can I do? Not shit to be totally honest, so I say to myself out loud "Come on Rayvn, Suck it up and get on with your life."9

I let out a deep sigh and sit up and throw my legs over the side of the bed. Always getting up to find the light is a bitch. I put my feet to the floor and force myself to stand up. Dragging my feet and flailing my arms out so I don't fall and break my neck. Which lord knows I have almost done a few dozen times. 10

"Where the hell is the light switch!" I run into the dresser and stub my toe and let loose a long stream of curses. I really need to remember to move that today, All I need is another broken toe when going on my early morning adventures of finding the damn light switch, also good thought would be that stupid clap on system I am always seeing on infomercials. I finally run into the wall with a umph, here we go. Running my hand in circles on the wall looking for the retched thing. Tada! I flip the switch on and shout loudly "Oh shit!" as I was blinded my the sudden blast of bright light. Rubbing my eyes and wishing I could just wear sunglasses when I first wake up. 11

Also note to self; See doctor about sleeping medication. The home remedies my mother had taught me never seemed to help. Not with this type of issue.